Monday, October 31, 2011

A Mind Divided

It's funny (not in a laughing way, in a sad-smile at the pathetic way). This has been ruminating my mind for a few weeks now (some may ask, why not put down what you had then? The answer is not simple.), and yet each time I sit down to write something else comes up. For instance, I intended to write it yesterday, but ended up Skyping with my sister and her children (an experience I would not trade for anything). I told her that I would write the post today. Then this morning while doing push-ups--ok, random side-explanation. I don't think what I was doing would be classified in anybody's book as a legitimate push-up, not even girl ones (sorry you had to see it, Adam. I really did try to protect you!), but the point is that I'm trying--I noticed how dirty my carpet is, even though I swept it Saturday (yes, literally swept it. Our vacuum doesn't work at all. It's kind of ridiculous), and the thought came to mind, "I have time this morning. I'll just sweep it again this morning instead of writing my blog."

Then a prevailing thought, or voice if you will, came through. NO! I need to prioritize. I have been putting off blogging, I have been putting off facing myself and the people who read what I write and care what I do, I have been putting off working on me in the guise of housekeeping and improvement for too long. It may sound strange to some to think that blogging is a higher priority than clean floors. The point is, blogging is cleaning my emotional and mental floor. And in case you haven't noticed, it's been a long time coming. My literal floors were swept just three days ago. They can wait until tomorrow.

The long and short of it is that I haven't been in the best place emotionally or mentally of late. There are certain things which will always get my ire up, and no matter how many times I hear it I will always tear up when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I will smile every time I hear the laughter of small children. These are truths about me. I'd like to think I'm pretty even keeled. The past few weeks I've been in more of a pre-pubescent-teenager-with-all-the-angst-and-hormonal-rollercoaster-mood-swings kind of place. In short: I've been out of balance.

Of course it's not til I get to the really bad place where I almost feel like I'm losing my mind that I do something about it, cause I'm stubborn like that. But in the past few days I've done a lot of soul searching and have realised that to be the best teacher, to be the best wife, to be the best friend, to be the best sister, to be the best aunt that I can be, I need to make sure I spend a little time on me. And I don't mean in self-indulgent pedicures, hours whiled away on Pinterest, a shopping trip and dinner with friends kind of way. I mean really investing in myself. Developing skills, working on talents, improving my mind, taking care of my body.

Now that I've had this realisation, and even been given some pretty pointed direction on what I need to do, I feel overwhelmed. I have the tendency to "run faster than [I] have strength." Yet, my intellectual self takes advantage of this and will occasionally justify laziness as a ploy to avoid that very fault. Once again, it comes back to balance. The careful ground of knowing my limits and pushing my weaknesses.

No, I don't have any real answers or miracle cures of how to make it all work. But I have direction. I have determination. And I have the best support. It's time to find some middle ground and start making tracks.

P.S. I have been up to some pretty fun/cool stuff lately, too. Like painting my apartment and getting my craft on, but I promised myself I wouldn't post that blog until all my renovations were complete. So a few more cans of spray paint, super glue, and ingenuity and you'll see the results!


  1. First of all, it was so good to SEE you the other night. You already know what I'm going to say, and the good news is that you are already headed in that direction. Exercise is THE BEST way to get in balance. Find your jive (yoga, running, Zumba, Pilates, kickboxing, whatever) and DO IT. Do it for yourself. It is beneficial in SO many ways, but mostly it is time spent just on you, and YOU deserve it. I love you, I pray for you, and I look forward to hearing more from you in this very spot.

  2. I have felt the same way you have a lot lately. Esp since my birthday is coming up. A lot of the time I feel unaccomplished, ugly, and just worthless, even the best pedicure in the world doesn't make me feel better. For the past two weeks I have spent time on me. I have been doing little things for me. For example I made my hubby dinner but I made my favorite meal but he thought I did it for him. I have been doing yoga ,meditating, and praying a lot. I have felt better about my self and have really started to accomplish things I never have before.
    I have always looked at you as a strong, smart, beautiful person. I have always looked up to you. I hope that you get over your little funk like I did, and come out on top. I will be thinking of you. :)